7 Socializing Tips for New Year’s Eve

This photo was taken by Flickr user Silences à gogo (Anais Nannini). Click photo to see her photo stream.

Worried about actually talking to someone on New Year’s Eve? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered! Just read these 7 socializing tips for New Year’s Eve that are sure to make your night more memorable:

1. Go out early as opposed to later. The earlier you head out, the more quality connections you’ll make–especially if there’s alcohol involved!
2. Have open body language. If you’re sitting at a bar, make sure your back isn’t turned away from everyone. Sitting sideways (parallel to the bar) invites dialogue from people surrounding you.
3. Initiate conversation. Compliment some one’s outfit, ask others what they’re drinking–you’d be surprise at how far a small comment will take you.
4. Be aware. Notice your surroundings and who is around you in the room. This opens up new avenues to where you can take conversations.
5. Make eye contact. Having strong eye contact with whomever you’re talking to (best taught in person) will garner more respect and attention from your audience.
6. Lightly touch some one’s arm when you’re making a point that you want them to remember. If done correctly, your words will stick.
7. Make sure the conversation isn’t one-sided. You don’t want to make the other person feel interrogated by all your questions. A good way to start a conversation with someone is by asking them what they do in their spare time. People love talking about themselves. Just pay attention, and, if you truly listen, you might find yourself in an engaging conversation.

Happy New Year! Email us, if you have any questions or comments on this blog post or for a schedule of classes for the New Year!

Filed under: Comfort Zones, Magnetism, relationships, social tension, meeting people new year's eve, new year eve 2011, new year's eve, socializing new year's eve, things to do on new years eve

Looking to Truly Connect Over the Holidays?

This picture was taken right near our San Francisco office at Union Square. Happy Holidays!

Many people find that navigating the social minefield of the holidays can be a stress inducing time.

Imagine that you are at an extended family dinner. Your great uncle is giving you a hard time about your relationship status, your grandmother is blabbing on about her ailments, and the entire party is so loud you can barely hear anyone.

Or is that just your interpretation of the room?

Your great uncle deeply cares about you and wants to make sure you are happy. Your grandmother is feeling increasingly unneeded in the hierarchy of the family and misses feeling understood. The loud party means that the possibilities of conversations you could have are endless.

Ultimately, people all want to feel one of three things, and, if you can master these principles, you will be the talk of the town come 2012:

1. They want to feel a sense of importance
2. They want to feel wanted
3. They want to feel heard

In our modern society, our communication is becoming more and more surface level. With things like text messaging and overabundant e-mails, we are all becoming used to communicating in short sound bites, and it’s rare that people dive into the art of conversation anymore.

If you want to truly make a splash at your holiday bash this season, cultivate the habit of becoming truly interested in other people. Engage them by speaking about their interests while also balancing out the conversation by sharing things about yourself.

We can only give so much one-size-fits-all tips out through this post until the technology starts to limit us–that darned technology, I tell ya! So contact us! We’ll keep ya in the loop of class start dates.

Happy Holidays!

Filed under: passive aggressive, relationships, social tension, christmas eve dinner stress, family gatherings, holiday dinner parties, looking to connect

She Laughed and Said, “You Wish.”

Since finishing the SOCIALFLUENCY course, a lot of people have been asking me what changes I’ve been seeing in my life, if any. All the paths SOCIALFLUENCY have taken me led me to one answer: Living in the moment. Making the present moment the best it can be. Okay, enough Buddha talk.

Recently I was in New York City having dinner at a restaurant where I noticed a gorgeous redhead waiting for the restroom at the end of the bar. The pre-FLUENCY me would’ve never had the guts to approach a random stranger. However, I sucked up my nerves and was able to muster up a conversation that went like this:

Me: “Is the line moving fast?”
Her: “Not really.”
Me: “Just to make it clear, I was here first.”
She laughed and said: “You wish.”

In the 10 seconds that this was going on, I quickly noticed her red hair, her height, her red nail polish, and a shiny scarf wrapped around her neck that was barely showing under her jacket—small details that lended new avenues to where I could possibly lead the conversation. The old me probably wouldn’t have noted any of these things.

With these mental notes, I started teasing her about her feisty personality and how she had the red nail polish to prove it. The conversation progressed from that to me putting on her scarf because I couldn’t “handle” the New York cold. Thanks to my newly rediscovered social skills, this small flirtation led me to spend the next couple of days and the remainder of my New York trip with her.

Not only did I have fun, I also learned that being aware of the present can make huge leaps in your dating life (or in any situation, really). In uncomfortable or unfavorable social situations, most people are hoping for something positive to just magically present itself to them. What I learned from SOCIALFLUENCY was the ability to be aware of my surroundings and apply them in conversation and in my social composure. I don’t wait for that social miracle to happen to me, I take action instead.

Because my experience in New York was so great, I wanted to share three easy things you can start doing right now. Don’t be like pre-FLUENCY Eric:

People are very much drawn to mindfulness. Being in the moment really creates a snowball affect in your life that carries itself into your next approach or situation. You know the feeling you get when you feel unstoppable? That’s being in the moment.

Our guest blogger Eric is a SOCIALFLUENCY graduate, and, if you have any questions or comments for him, you can reach him at: eric@socialfluency.com.

Filed under: Comfort Zones, Magnetism, relationships, approaching women, live in the moment, living for the moment, living in the moment, talk to a stranger

Going Out This Weekend?

Be careful! Once you read this, you can never go back.

Seriously, the way that you interact with people from here on out is going to change drastically–don’t say we didn’t warn you!

When people enter a new social arena (dinner party, celebratory event, bar, etc.), they do it in a way that doesn’t help them socially. It’s like starting to run a marathon with a twenty pound sandbag on one of your legs. It’s not impossible to be successful, but why start off on a bad foot?

People that are naturally successful when it comes to socializing in these kinds of venues have some unconscious habits that help them drastically.

Here are a few quick tips to use when you are out this weekend:

1. Don’t drink too much. We’ve all heard of liquid courage. While it is true that drinking several alcoholic drinks will lower your inhibition around socializing with new people, it also slows down every other part of your brain–like, the areas responsible for creativity, spontaneity, and humor. If you want to look like you are drinking you can always order a 7up with lime, which easily doubles as a gin & tonic. (Also, if you want to learn how to hold your drink in a way that signals instant high status body language, contact Jordan.)
2. Enter the venue already socializing with your friends. There are two ways that people enter social venues: They either (1) enter looking startled and quiet as they nervously navigate the crowds or (2) enter mid-conversation with the people that they arrived with. In any social venue, there are what we call the “observing” and the “observed”–try to guess which one you want to be!
3.  Your best openers are straight up social. Whenever people hear what we do for work, a question that we commonly get something like, “so what is the best way to meet people? What do you say to someone you’re interested in?” Consistently our first answer is always, “Hey”. Saying anything is better than saying nothing. As Wayne Gretzky once said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” Starting off with a simple, “Hey how’s your night going?” is better than standing nearby and imagining talking to them.

Whether it’s a crazy new nightclub or meeting your partners extended family over dinner, being able to navigate and socially work a room is a powerful skill set to have.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Our Internet Connection is Broken: Halp!

We cracked up after seeing this graphic in BuzzFeed’s 90 Best Tumblr Blogs of 2011.  Not only is this a pretty funny depiction of how people react when their Internet connection breaks, it also hit rather close to home for us.

Yesterday, the Internet was acting a little shady while we were trying to work, and we had a momentary freakout in our office.  This, I guess, is understandable since having a shoddy Internet connection is detrimental to our productivity and our business.  But, what’s the big deal? Is not having the Internet that big of deal?  From a business standpoint, yes, yes it is.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.

A few weeks ago, we ran across Sherry Turkle’s TED Talk during which she talked about our codependence on technology. During her talk, she discussed the fact that never in our history have we been able to communicate as quickly and as far-reaching as we can now. We can elicit quick responses through text, emails, and IMs to anyone, anywhere, in order to get the feedback we need to press forward with our lives. Because of this, we can’t help but have technology be integral to our lives. However, choosing to do so lowers the quality of our social skills and dumbs down the process of socialization.

We’re not advocating to boycott technology or saying that the Internet is the devil, but we are saying that it’s not good for our long-term social lives. If it’s not already obvious, communicating through technology is very different than talking to someone in-person. We tend to use emails, texts, and IMs in order to create a social facade that we later lose when we communicate in person. Technology can give us the vital boost that we need to project an idea when we’re online, but it doesn’t enable us that same kind of support in person. In order to avoid losing your interpersonal skills, we have three small tips that you can use in order to (re)invigorate your sociability:

1. Call up a friend and catch up. After a long day of sitting in front of a computer, your in-person communication skills are probably a little numbed. Call a friend to see how their day went. Doing so acts as a warmup to building up a better repertoire when you’ll have to communicate with other people in person. Plus, you’ll seem like a good friend when you call just for putting in the effort.
2. Go Christmas shopping. Chat up the person ringing you up at the register. Not only is it a good way to beef up your small-talk skills, but you can practice using your body language skills that will make you be a more engaging person on a day-to-day basis.
3. Strike up a conversation with a coworker. Go up and talk to a coworker you normally wouldn’t talk to and ask them about their weekend. Be genuinely interested in what they did, and, hey, they could potentially become a powerful ally in the workspace!

We understand that most people in modern society can’t help but work on their computers, but using these tips will help you in remaining/becoming a social rockstar  ;)

Filed under: relationships, Uncategorized, 90 best tumblr blogs beezfeed, internet connection is broken, sherry turkle ted talk

The Secret To Living A Fulfilling Life Is…

Want to know the fastest way to living a happy, fulfilled life? (Hint: It isn’t in a magical pill, it doesn’t rhyme with P-90-Wex, and it doesn’t take a two-month silent meditation to attain.)

First, let’s back track a little bit. As human beings, it’s physically impossible to constantly be in the state of happiness. What you should be reaching towards is being in a state of durable fulfillment. Long-term, sustained contentedness.

The only thing holding us back is our perceived disparity between woulda, shoulda, and coulda. It’s our resistance or hesitation to these things that causes the suffering.

In the old Buddhist texts, it’s been said that:

Pain x Resistance = Suffering

And we at Social Fluency couldn’t agree more. Nothing can weigh you down if you don’t hold on to it. By realizing that pain is a part of life and that it should be welcomed, you can work through it much more quickly.

The key to happiness, durable fulfillment, and contentedness is having the shortest possible distance between you thinking a thought and you implementing the thought. In layman’s terms, you need to make a decision. Have a preference. Get in or get out. In other words, take action!

By systematically letting go of old hurt and actively cultivating new habits of awareness–especially those surrounding making decisions and taking action–we can grow as people like flowers under water.

So your mission is the following:

The most important thing that you do is that you do something because t’s all too easy to remain in your comfort zone. As you stay there, it continually shrinks until, it eventually gets so small that, it boots you out.  So challenge that comfort zone–get out there and enjoy your life!

Filed under: Comfort Zones, social anxiety, social tension, Uncategorized, how to get self fulfillment, key fulfillment, self fulfillment, self fulfilment, self-fulfilled person

The Key to Attracting Women?

As men we all have the drive within us that wants us to be paired up with someone sexually. Because we ultimately fear being banished from the tribe, we all want to trust, to connect, and to belong.

When it comes to finding a mate, most men prematurely choose a partner before discovering who they themselves are first. One way to think about this is to ask yourself, “Who am I?”, “Where will I go?”, and “Who will come with me?”

The questions must be asked in that specific order. Most men go about this the exact OPPOSITE way. They look for a partner, then try and figure out a life path or career path, and then realize they never figured out who they were as men in the first place, which will uproot the entire situation.

To truly become aware of what your life’s path is, sit down and relax while you ponder the questions, “What do I have to do with my life so that I can die feeling at peace with myself? What will I fill my life with every day that energizes me?”

Death is not something that we normally think of in connection with learning to develop mature masculinity, but we should be. It is the darkness in the yin and the yang of the masculine self.

We can’t be of any use to anyone else if we are not already content within ourselves.  This is similar to how we are instructed on an airplane to put our own oxygen mask on first before assisting others. If you are not giving yourself your own life and your own energy, you can’t possibly help others feel more contentment or fulfillment in their lives.

Women are extremely attracted to a man with passion, a man who ‘knows’ himself, and a man who has goals and desires. In other words, a man that doesn’t pedestal-ize his chosen woman above all else in his life is cherished.

She can be your favorite anyone in the world, but not your favorite anything.

Filed under: Magnetism, relationships, social tension, attract women into, attracting women, confidence with women, date women, how to attract women, relationship with woman, the secret to getting women

Happy Thanksgiving!

This picture was taken by our friend Nico Alary, you can follow him and all his work on Twitter, @nicoalaryjr.

Thanksgiving Day is tomorrow here in the US, and this year we have plenty to be thankful for so we wanted to take a quick minute to jot a few of them down:

We’re really grateful for our current and past students for supporting our program. In particular, all our alumni are amazing for helping us build a base where past students continue to provide encouragement and tips for each other even after their programs end. Our current students are also great for motivating us and being so invested in our product–we love hosting the (free) Social Mastery Workshops each week and teaching our classes!

San Francisco is pretty cool. As we mentioned in our first blog post, we’re so lucky to be surrounded by great talent and companies that push to us to innovate and to improve ourselves and our product. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there so we’re really grateful that we’ve been able to make great connections that have helped us expand our scope. With the help of our new friends, we’re getting awesome feedback that will let us bring better content to you, which is our biggest goal here at Social Fluency.

We’re so glad you’re here. We know that your time is really valuable so we’re thrilled that you’ve taken the time to read this. Thanks for all the encouragement and feedback that you’ve given us and continue to give us. It boosts our confidence to press outside our comfort zones, making it easier to build a better socially fluent community wherever we are.

What are some things you’re thankful for? Let us know, we’d love to hear your feedback!

Hope your Thanksgiving is wonderful as ours! Gobble gobble!

Filed under: Comfort Zones, free seminars, Uncategorized, all about thanksgiving, thanks giving day, thanksgiving day, we're thankful for

Thanksgiving: I Guess I’ll Spend Time With My Family

Thanksgiving is a time for gratitude, honesty, and a time to re-connect with our family.

Unfortunately, some of us have family members that are a bit more difficult to handle than others, and that ain’t no turkey (I had to).

Imagine this:

You’re swimming in the smells of roasted vegetables and stuffing, you can hear the dull roar of the fireplace, and the glow of the candles casts a warm glow over the room when, all of a sudden, you are accosted by that uncle that just won’t get off your back. Maybe they’re pestering you about why you haven’t found a career yet or why “you’re still single”.

Most people will take this opportunity for assertiveness and shrug it off. Instead of facing that mild feeling of social tension, and, ultimately enjoying your night much more, people tend to choose passive (aggressive or passive aggressive) communication. Passive communication is all about going with the flow and not making any waves socially.

One way to handle such Thanksgiving guests and family members and not be passive is to start off a conversational thread with the words, “I’m sure you didn’t mean it this way… but when you said ___________… it makes me feel like ____________.”

If it’s an older point of contention that you want to bring up with a family member and if you feel like it’s going to be a confrontation, then it probably will be one.

BUT if you think of addressing a concern as an invitation to dialogue (as in, ‘Here’s a problem I think we’ve had in the past… I’m not sure what you think we can do about it… What do you think?’), then people are going to be much more receptive to your conversation. Avoid attacking your family member, especially with passive aggressive remarks, in any way as they will find it difficult to hold a conversation when they feel attacked.

So remember, Thanksgiving is about love, connection, and gratitude–not passive aggressive replies. It is the best time of year to re-connect with loved ones and truly express how much you appreciate those around you. That, and to get fat off of delicious food.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Filed under: Comfort Zones, passive aggressive, social anxiety, social tension, aggression, comfort zones, communication, family, passive agressive, social anxiety, social tension, socialization, thanksgiving

Hut, Hut, Hike: Socializing Through Sports

Healthy competition is one of those unifying things that can be found in any culture. In particular, sports is an engaging subject that a lot of people use to make social connections. The concept of sports and athletic competitions is a defining trait of the human experience. While not all of us can excel at sports, or even hit a single foul-shot, one thing we can all benefit from is how sports brings people together.

Whether it’s discussing Monday Football (go 49ers!) or discussing the battle of the NBC lockout (damn you, David Stern), you can find people using these events as a reason to get together, to have a good time, and to share an experience with friends and strangers alike.

As we discussed in our first blog post, it requires dedication to expand your comfort zones, especially if you’re not used to being proactive about pursuing activities you would not normally engage in. Sports can be a great way to take those initial steps into expanding comfort zones and eliminating social anxiety.

Even if you never really played sports and don’t know much about it, it’s great conversational fodder to expand your comfort zones socially. Try heading to a local bar that shows games, grabbing a seat, and talking to someone next to you. You’d be surprised at how many people would be willing to describe the game to you. Just by being interested and practicing your listening skills, you can pave the way to a lot of very low-risk, easy-to-initiate conversations.

Talking about sports, especially with members of either gender, is hardly considered inappropriate and cliche. If you’ve ever lived in a big city, you’ll probably find lots of fans wearing their team’s jersey and cars driving around with tiny flags on their windows. All these little factors can add up to something really big, which you can then use as social leverage.

Try initiating a conversation like this one the next time there’s a big game:

(If you’re new to the sport)

You: Hey, you guys look like you know what’s happening.  (Ask a question regarding the sport) So… what is icing/how do outs work/how many down’s are there/etc?
Person A:  (Answer)

(If you watch the sport regularly)

You: Did you see (player’s name) last night?  That was one of the most exciting games I’ve ever been witness to.
Person A: Totally!  And did you see when they…

Let us know your results, we’d be happy to hear which approaches worked and which didn’t work!

Filed under: Comfort Zones, social anxiety, social tension, Uncategorized, conversation, conversation tips, social, social anxiety, social tension, socialization, sports